What Is In a Name ?

     Shakespeare rose a great question when he wrote the famous line "What is in a name?..."

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     Aundreya M. Horne - This is me. This is who I am. This is the name included on my birth certificate, drivers license, legal documents and etc..

      It is my signature (though, unless prompted to, I often leave out my middle initial).

     What does my name say about who I am, though? Does it tell you what kind of person I am? Does it tell you I'm trustworthy? Does it say that I have a good work ethic or that I am a lazy bum?

Truthfully, can a name in and of itself tell you anything about a person?

       I've come to realize maybe it's not so much what your name says about you. But, maybe it's what your actions and expressions say about your name.

Does your name bring about joy when spoken by others?

    I have decided that in 2017 I want to be the type of person whose name is spoken in a positive tone. I want to inspire others. I want to uplift. I want to influence. I want to lead. I want to be the person standing in the background saying "I always knew you could". I want to be somebody's "Because of you I didn't give up".

Do not misunderstand me, I am by no means searching for a spotlight nor a round of applause.

       Above anything else, I do not want my name to bring dishonor to His name - Jesus. In all honesty,  I would much rather his name be others lips than my own name. However, some will only come to know his name through me. Through my words. Through my actions. Through the ways that I choose to handle whatever life throws my way. I pray that whenever they hear or speak my name that they associate it with His.

what does your name name say about you?

      

   

    

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

     They often say "Actions speak louder than words", but I can't help but wonder; more so; if it's the lack thereof that speaks the loudest.

      You don't show love; you never speak of it. You don't show hate; you never speak of it either. You littarlly say and do nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

      And yet the lack thereof (though silent) speaks; no,screams; louder than anything I have ever seen or heard before. 

      You cannot claim to be a product of your raising, because you were offered a way out time and time again. You were offered a saving grace and yet, you spit in the face of the very hand reaching out to you. Not with your words. Not with your actions. But, with you silence. With your breaking away. With you smug mockery .

        People often change. Circumstances, situations, difficulties are all things that tend to change us. It happens. But we decided how we handle this change. We may not decided what knocks us down, but we certainly do decide what keeps us down. 

       I lost a dear friend a long time ago. This friend was you. But not the "you" we know today. No, this was the "you" that rose above all odds. The "you" who didn't let anyone shatter their dreams. The "you" who dare not carelessly hurt the ones they love. 

       This version of "you" that we have come to know is sick, brittle, hurting, and unrecognizable. I look at you hoping to see a glimmer; perhaps a glance; of the person you used to be and I cannot find it. It's not in your eyes. It's not in your smile, that you try to fake so well. No, you (the real you) is no where to be found.

       For so many years we have all been hoping that you would come back to us. That you would prove those of us who had faith in you right and those who ever doubted you , wrong. But that's not the case. Infact it's the complete opposit. 

      I'm having to come to terms with saying goodbye. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I'm saying goodbye to someone I no longer know. 

     If I would've known back then ; when you first lost your way; where things were going to lead, I would've said goodbye back then, 

     But today; right now; all I can do is sau goodbye to a memory. And all the while I still have a bit of faith in me that hopes you will prove many of us right. It doesn't matter how much or how little time you have left, please prove us right. Just this one last time. 

1 Year Later ...

     Vanilla Coke, The Marx Brothers, Monty Python and the Holy Grail; most anyone who knows me knows how much I like at least one of these three (if not all of them). Little do most people know, it was one person who had introduced me to all three many years ago. Most days I think nothing of it, but then there are days; days like yesterday where I was sitting at my desk at work listening to an old radio broadcast of a Marx Brothers skit and it hit me, the person who introduced me to one of my favorite things in the world, was no longer in this world.

       13 years ago I lost an 8 year friendship. Our friendship had been on the rocks off and on since we had known each other, but it was steady. Never had I ever thought we would stop being friends all together. The reasons are irrelevant ... and truth be told I'm not 100% sure why it ended in the first place (though I'm not sure if I forgot over time or if I ever knew, really). I remember the moment I knew it was over though. And the words I said afterwards have forever haunted me. It's neither here nor there whether I was right or wrong for what I said, I just never expected my words to be the defining moment of the end.

      That didn't stop me from trying,though. I tried several times. I was accused of being fake, maybe I was. Truthfully, all I know for sure was this was the first time I had ever experienced a friendship ending because of choice (those kindergarten "I'm not your friend any more" fights do not count. Who hasn't struggled with those?!?). After many failed attempts ,  I let it seem as if I no longer cared. But the truth is, I did. It's just that it was out of my hands. It killed me.

     Fast-forward 12 years from that moment, I was on the cusps of turning 28 (less than 2 months away) and found myself feeling as if I had lost a piece of my very being. I had learned in years prior that my "friend" had been diagnosed with with cancer. It saddened me, but because we had stopped talking years beforehand I did not know the severity of the illness. That is until a week before she passed.

     I found myself an emotional wreck. I felt helpless. I wanted to do something. I needed to do something. But there wasn't anything I could do. I tried to offer my comfort and condolences from afar but it was a moot point, and understandably so. Every moment I had I found myself saying a prayer for her and her family. I whispered her name in prayer at work, I spoke my prayers out loud in my car traveling to/from anywhere I went , went to the alter with determination and in the comfort of my room I was crying and pleading with God to spare her life. I found myself crying myself to sleep every night that week and even woke myself up many mornings with tears on my pillow.

    I didn't expect to be overcome by such emotions.  I expected to be sad should I ever have to cross that bridge, but I never expected the heartache (my heart and chest were literally in pain). I couldn't say I had lost a friend, because our friendship had ended so many years beforehand. But I had lost something; a piece of me. A piece of my childhood. So many jokes. So many secrets. So many split-second memories only we would understand. Pieces of me; that even though our friendship had ended; I had held onto. Suddenly I was the only one who held these memories.

    The morning I found out about her passing a crumbled into a ball on my bed crying my eyes out. I eventually pulled myself together and continued getting ready for work. I remained fairly quite that day at work , in fear of bursting into tears once again.

   She had made it just past her 27th birthday. She left behind a husband who loved her dearly (and still does) and a beautiful daughter- who may be growing up without her mother's presence , but not without her love. And a family that absolutely adored her.
 
   Here I am one year after her death and on the cusps of my 29th birthday. I am still learning to process her loss. I know that whatever disagreement we had over 13 years ago is irrelevant. I know that I must hold onto the happier moments of our friendship. I know that she is a hero in my book for so many reasons. I know that it's possible that I may never know why things ended up the way that they did (any of it) , but above all else I must hold on God and trust in him.
   

The Month of Mae

THE MONTH OF MAE

She came into our lives and stole the show. 

We loved her with a love we had never known.

The month that she chose to make her debut was a month that made all of us so blue. 

How were we to know that blue eyes and blonde pigtails could make the pain fade?

The month of February had soon become the month of Mae. 

Now only a year and a half later we haven't a clue. 

without her, what did we do?

She has brought about so much laughter and pulled us together.

From being born the day after Valentines to taking her first steps on 

Christmas Eve, she moves to the pace of her own speed.

All it takes is that goofy , slanted smile and her waving "hi" to make my day.

Thank you McKinley Mae for making February the month of Mae .

Faith In Humanity Restored

         I have a confession to make. A confession that may deem me both heartless and mean in the eyes of some.

        So I suggest if you easily get annoyed or enjoy making mountains out of mole hills that you stop reading from this paragraph on. Shut down the window. Contemplate the weather. Eat a snack. Do whatever you like ,as long as it keeps you from lashing out and making judgements of things you don't comprehend. Otherwise, you have been warned (though that statement alone may intrigue some people).

       Now that that is out of the way...

        I hate. Scratch that, I detest "faith in humanity restored" posts (within reason that is). Yes, you read that correctly. No, you don't have to go back and read it 5 times to make sure you read that correctly.

        I don't understand why it had/has to be restored in the first place. Given there are tons of "bad" people out there and there are people who can' t seem to catch a break and are constantly getting caught up with the wrong people. I get that. But what is it that makes today's society think that it's any different today than it was "back in the old days".

       There have ALWAYS been good guys and bad guys. Then there's all the Robin Hoods that are out there as well - doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons. "A rebel with a cause", if you will.

       Humanity will always have it's flaws. I repeat: humanity will ALWAYS have it's flaws. 

        We were created in an image. God's image to be exact. The most perfect image to be created in. But the moment that Eve allowed herself to be deceived and Adam followed in suit, imperfection and sin became a perminet staple in our lives as human beings. 

       I'm sure many of you are reading this and thinking "everything you said is true, BUT we all have a choice." And you're right my friend. You are right.

       Once sin entered into our lives it was no longer an option to have perfection handed to us. We now have to work for EVERYTHING we have. Including our faith. Though faith is one of the simplest things to obtain it is , however, one of the hardest things to keep. 

       To have faith in something is to believe in something. To say that I have faith in humanity, to me is just like saying I believe humanity exists.  And well, obviously humanity does in fact exist. 

       So why would you proclaim that you do or don't believe in humanity ? 

       Truth be told I do not believe it is our job to restore faith in humanity. As I stated before, humanity does in fact exist as well as I also stated above, that humanity has (and always will) have it's flaws.

        I'd much rather be working towards helping others restore their faith in God.

        I have noticed that "doing the right thing" and "paying it forward" have become a fad. Which makes me question the true meaning behind others actions. What will happen when this is no longer a fad ?

       I do believe good people and actions should receive recognition. The kind of recognition that recognizes them as a kind hearted and caring individual. But most "good" people aren't looking for any special recognition. They simply do it because that is the kind of person they are. They haven't a need for the spot light nor an applause. Which in turn makes me want to give them a standing ovation.

        I have faith. My faith has been through many ups and downs. And it has to be restored countless times. But the two things I never had to question were 1.) the existence of God and 2.) the existence of humanity. My faith never wavered when it came to believing in the existence of either/both.

        It's so refreshing to meet genuine good people. And yes, I have had my boughts from time to time with believing that they (good people) still exist. But, at the end of the day all I have to do is look around me. I have an amazing family, a great church and the best friends a girl could ask for. With people like that in my life how could I not believe in the existence of good people and the amazing deeds they commit.

        And even if that weren't good enough the simplest of good deeds from total strangers remind me to never lose faith. From an elderly man holding the door for me as I walk into a store to a child simply smiling at me, I will always be reminded of the good that still exists.

Beauty

     Beauty isn't always what you see, read, or hear ... sometimes, just sometimes, beauty - true undeniable beauty, is just the opposite.

   

Beauty for Ashes

         My heart, mind, and eyes are heavy tonight. This time of year often sends my emotions into high gear.
Not because I'm single, not because I don't have plans for Valentine's Day, In all reality it has NOTHING to do with Valentine's Day at all (not like most would assume anyways).

        If I were to choose a month that I liked the least out of the entire year. The 1 month out of the 12 we have each and every year... it would be February. Yes, the month that should probably be my favorite is in fact my least favorite.

      Too many goodbye's have come about in this month. Not just any goodbye's but final goodbye's. Goodbye to a sweet lady that was a second grandmother to me; goodbye to a man who was an amazing friend, 2nd father, youth pastor, best friend's father, and assistant pastor; goodbye to a dear pastor's wife; and goodbye to a childhood friend. Yes those goodbye's are the reasons I despises this time of yr.

     Tonight I did something I shouldn't have done (knowing how things get to me more this time of year). I read the news. Yes, I read the news. I read stories that upset me, disgusted me, and sickened me. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to basically throw an old fashioned fit. Instead I kept my words to myself (until now), I closed my eyes, I took in the heaviness and then I prayed.

    I prayed for a world that has no idea the direction it is headed in. I prayed for those hurting. I prayed for those experiencing loneliness. I prayed for those who have no understanding of who God is and what he has in store for them.

    In the midst of my praying I found myself doing something most people would find crazy , I thanked God for the pain I was experiencing. Sounds crazy, huh?

    You see the heaviest hurts and pains often come from people and/or situations we really care about. Pain from the absence of loved ones; the heaviness you feel for a world full of lost and dying souls; are both pains to be grateful for. Pain doesn't always have to be the very end of us. Pain can be the reason to never give up. Pain can be what inspires us to make a difference. Many of us grow because of pain.  Can you even begin to fathom the pain Jesus felt dying on the cross for all of our sins?

    I am amazed how God can just swoop in and take our ashes. Our ashes of hurt, pain, and loneliness.  And from those delicate, black, hot ashes he can create something beautiful. After all he gives beauty for ashes.

     In spite of all of these emotions it seems God has given the Horne household a reason to enjoy this time of year once again. We are waiting eagerly for the birth of little miss McKinley Mae. She could come any day now and it's creating a buzz of excitement (though her due date isn't until the 13th). I'm grateful and thankful for this little bundle of joy that is about to enter into our lives. Finally, I'll have a reason to look forward to this time of year. Soon I'll be holding a little girl in my arms that will call me "Auntie". And that my friends will be ALL the reason I will need to look forward to this time of year again.

    Thank you God for giving beauty for ashes ....