Even if the healing doesn't come ...

          

        You know those scenes you play over in you mind of a girl who is in the process of packing for a week ; however; she has packed enough pieces of clothing to last her a yr (and that's not even scratching the surface of how big her wardrobe actually is).She shoves everything she can into her luggage and when the suitcase simply refuses to close she plops herself down on top of it forcing it to close. Sure a few shirt sleeves may be hanging out , you may even catch a glimpse of a skirt hem or two, but hey, it is closed.

          However, there's sure to be an explosion of fabric once the suitcase is in fact opened. A "Proceed With Caution" sign should be installed warning WHOEVER chooses to open it of what is to come (yes, even the girl who packed it).

           Welp, I am that girl ... not so much with my real clothing and/or luggage (though there have been a few times...). But more so in life. I don't like to deal with things , and get this I have a hard time talking. I know what you're thinking " Aundreya, really? You? " and the answer is yes. See it's no biggy for me to talk ... about surface things. 

          I have a friend who likes to go on a rant whenever he's upset about something saying "I'm not a girl. I don't like talking about the problem I just hold it in..." and almost refuses to talk when all you've said is "Hey, are you okay?" (though in the midst of it he does end up venting about SOMETHING lol). I kinda feel that way some days (except for the fact that I actually am a girl).

          Sadly though I refuse to talk about it almost to the point of not even talking to God about it; out of sight out of mind. I don't intend to do it ... I just stuff it away in a suitcase and try not to think about it. That is until  find that suitcase and decide to open it up and see what's in there... and suddenly I'm reminded why I had both stuffed and hid that suitcase.

       It hurts like crazy. Sometimes, revisiting an old heat ache hurts way more than the initial pain, I have learned this more and more about myself this past yr.

       I have also learned though, that my suitcases of pain are no longer needed and have in fact became unwanted baggage taking up space in my heart. It's time to hand I started trading in my rags for riches. 

         I have been obsessed lately with the songs "Forgiveness" by Matthew West and "Even If" by Kutless (I highly recommend listening to both songs), and I recently read "A Tale of Three Kings". Through these 2 songs and this book (as well as good ol' faithful AKA my Bible, and God) I'm learning to see things in a different light. 

* Here's the lyrics to both songs 

FORGIVENESS by Matthew West

It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

EVEN IF by Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Hidden message

* I wrote this poem forever ago. It has a hidden message, see if you can figure out what it is.*

Go away are the words that come out of my mouth.

Only the problem is I still love you.

Only you know who I am on the inside.

Dumb are the things you've done

Burdening me with this pain.

You'll never understand what you did to me.

Everything I cherished was destroyed by you.

Forgetting the promises we made.

Over looking my pain.

Regretting everything a little too late.

Eventually I'll learn to forgive.

Vulnerable is how I feel right now.

Emptiness is what's inside me.

Regret is my best friend.

Open books

   I realize it has been some time since I have written in my blog and that my blog entries have been  few and far between these days. I would love to blame it on the many events that have been inhabiting my life this past year, and though they have kept me busy a great deal , alas I can only blame it on my lack of desire to write.

   You see writing has some how, and unknowingly to me, become a great deal to me. I do so enjoy writing. I love the surge of energy I feel running through my mind, down my arms, and spilling on to the keyboard/pen as it comes rushing through my fingers while I write the words that I hope come across witty and poetic. Almost lyrical if you will.

   But recently I have found it easier to keep my thoughts; my words; to myself. I've had many a thoughts running through my mind lately.
 
   I like to fancy myself with the idea of very few people truly know how to read me inside and out. And it's true ... not many can. Sometimes it's a curse
   
   I don't want to bore anyone by going into some sob story and I don't feel like being an open book for others to read ... then again isn't that why we choose to write - to become open books?

   Or would we rather write factitious stories? Illusions to make people think our lives are either greater or worse than than they really are.

   There's a saying/quote that says " There's a little bit of truth behind every 'just kidding' ". I almost wonder though if we could change it a bit and say "There's a little bit truth/reality behind every fictional story". Maybe with that outlook we would begin to not only write differently but maybe even read differently. You're only going to get what you choose to get out of something you read. If you choose not to understand or look deeper into what you're reading then you will never know.

   Maybe some of us should stop hiding behind fictions while others should learn that reading the title of a book does not mean you know nor understand the story.

Home is where the heart is ...

You often hear the saying "Home is where the heart is." I can't help but wonder though where many of us are placing our hearts and calling home.

Do you see what I see ?

     You say you want to be a great example. You say you want to change the world. You say you know God has a plan for your life. But was slowly killing yourself a part of this? Or was even attempting to end it quicker an even greater solution? How can you attempt to help bring a city to it's knees if you can't even get off your back?
     We all have troubles. We all have trials.  But we don't all have to go through 'em alone. I think if we realized how often we put ourselves through these so called trials we'd stop blaming God and others for the way that we ourselves are. You can be a product of your raising but there comes a point when you're a product of your own free will.
      Life is a gift from God that he allows us to have (among many others). He can take it away just as quickly as he gives it. If you believe he has a purpose for your life and he hasn't killed you yet then why do you think you have the right to take that gift away from yourself. That specially packaged and personalized gift. Who are we to be selfish and think we have free reign over it. True you may have it now while on the earth, but my friend you are in for a great surprise in the after life.
     Open your eyes. And by opening your eyes I do not mean pulling back your lids, you can keep those closed for all I care. You see a blind man can see more without his sight sometimes that a man with perfect vision. However what I do mean is open your eyes of love, open your eyes of reality. See life the way that God sees it. Do you think he views life as perfection? If your answer is yes then you are living an illusion. God knows and sees exactly how life is. We are living in a dark age my friend and in all reality it's only growing darker and darker. So why you would choose to add to this darkness, why you would allow yourself to blend in (which is what you protest you don't want to happen), why would you  choose to be so selfish and deny truth is all beyond me.
        I just wish you could see what I see. And I promise you, if you saw what I see you would be highly disappointed.

Hello/Goodbye or Lord Your Mighty

I was going through my blog and came across a draft of a post I wrote last yr. that I never published

"Were we close friends? No. Did we talk ? Rarely.
So why am I so upset? Why do I feel like a piece of myself is missing?


Wednesday I found out that a young man I went to IBC with passed away from a car wreck.
We weren't really close and honestly never hung out. Yet I find myself deeply saddened. I also find myself more aware of the people I see/saw everyday and yet have never said more than two words to them. When did this become okay? Why do we believe others have to be the first to make any sort of contact with us before we return the favor?


Chase always seemed to have a smile upon his face and a pretty amazing voice."

I never did finish writing this (as you can see). Honestly I was unsure how to.

Today marks the 1 yr. anniversary of Chase's death. This young man (though we never really hung out let alone talked) made one of the biggest impacts on my life that anyone ever has.

I remember the day that I officially met him ... we had actually been going to school together for a few months at this point. I went out with a group of people and he ended up being in that group as well. I decided I should probably go ahead and introduce myself to him even though I saw him nearly every day. I did it. We said our names and shook hands. Then that same group went back to IBC and played a game . And that was it. That was my 1 and only time that I both met and hung out with Chase. Sadly that night continues to play in my mind. Why? I'm not really sure. I guess because it's the only major connection I have to him. Which saddens me. I went to school with him and I feel like I should have more of a memory of him other than that 1 and only time we hung out, his amazing smile, and his great voice (especially singing "Lord Your Mighty).

Chase's death made me realize a few things though. One being why in the world do we take time granted? Sometimes we get in the mind set that we have all the time in the world to do whatever we want. But we don't. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, let alone our next breath. Not only do I mean that in the sense that his life was short lived , but also that I myself took time for granted. I had all that time meet him and possibly even become friends with. But did I do it? No. I waited until it was nearly too late to do so.

I also realized (through a few other events as well) how much of a family we become at IBC. Not only did my heart ache for the classmate who passed away, not only did I hit my knees praying for his family, but I also found myself longing to be there with my IBC family (which also included members of his family). All I wanted to do was to be there to comfort them. Because when one person aches we all ache.

The post I started above not only was I unsure how to end it but I was also afraid to post it as well . Why? Because as you can see I didn't know Chase. Not really anyways. I didn't want it to seem like I was talking about something I didn't know/understand. But a yr. later - quietly sitting in my room and typing up this blog I find myself tearing up. Why? Because , though we didn't truly know each other he was apart of my family and I still the effects has upon ppl as well was the impacts he continuely makes upon ppls lives today.

I want to take a moment and honor the family of Chase as well. I know it's been a tough year for them but their strength and continual faith in God has impacted me greatly. I won't pretend that I know how they feel or that I know what they're going through, because truth is I don't. I have experienced loss, great losses at that. But nothing quite this close to home. They are great examples and are continually on my prayer list.

I once again find myself with a blog I'm unsure how to end but this time I will actually post it ... the best way I can think to do so is to post the lyrics of the verse he sang (w/ Sarah) on "Lord You're Mighty"



"Oh Lord how excellent is Your name in all the earth.
You set Your glory above the heavens and the earth.
When I think of all You've made, the sun, the moon and the stars.
No praise is high enough to express how great You are."

R.I.P Chase Marshall - You are greatly missed

You'd think by now ...

       You know, by now you'd think I'd know how to feel. You'd think I had it all figured out. But the truth is I don't.
       I struggle with standing upon a thin line. You know the kind you can only stand upon if you're on your tip toes and the whole time you're anxious in fear of losing your balance and falling over. Well, that my friends is my current location.
      You see this fine line seems to be separating love and hate. If it were a seesaw I'd be sitting in the center while love and hate both balanced up in the air with their feet dangling. 
       My words of "wisdom" come smoothly and soothingly to others but when I try to put my own words of advice into practice I am turned about in a tizzy.
       My lens is that of a watch face that water has gotten into it - visible but with a few spots blurred over.
       I have cried, I have prayed, I have questioned and still I am left in the state of hurt and confusion.
       I trust in God with all my heart and I know all things are under his control. And that is all I truly have to cling to. Though I may not understand I know that some things will never be explained. I have to let God be my strength. I have to let God by my shoulder that I cry on. And I am learning that when I cannot seem to find understanding in things of this world in God I find understanding in knowing that he has his hands upon everything.
        God promised he would never leave nor forsake me. So in my state of hurt and confusion I find strength in an all knowing, all seeing, and all loving God.
        I still don't know how I should feel ... but maybe in time I will.